Chances are you've all read the eight "Gym Clowns" installments and have laughed yourselves to tears. Also, chances are you've all thought to yourself: "It can't get worse than this." Well folks, it can, and it has. So grab yourselves some popcorn and a big glass of Coke, (err, I mean some tuna and a protein drink), turn on your favorite music, sit back, and prepare to laugh yourselves to tears once again.

Introduction

My friend kept suggesting for several weeks that I pay a visit to Weight Training I class one day and workout with him for the period. He assured me that his teacher wouldn't mind as long as I was dressed properly. So, this past Friday I "got lost" on my way to history class and ended up at the door to the school's "weight room." (Note the strong quotes.) We finally entered and I decided to start my workout off with a few minutes bench pressing; little did I know of the horrors I would encounter within the next 40 minutes.

Charge!!!

Before I entered the weight room I figured this would just be a half-workout day (since 40 minutes is far from sufficient time when it comes to a good workout, in my opinion); however, upon entering the weight room I knew that I had better take some mental notes because I knew that THIS would be the next Iron Humor story on Iron Mag.

I began my approach towards the flat bench to do a few presses. On my way there, I was nearly trampled by several children running across the room to grab the dumbbells and machines before anyone else did. How unfortunate that nobody tripped and had a floor-snack before his "workout." After the horde of children had reached their destination, I continued my trip to the flat benches confidant that I was no longer at risk of being trampled by hundreds of pounds of humanity charging across the room as if they were in a zoo.

Olympus Meets Sunset High

I finally arrived at the flat bench and my friend helped me load up the bar. My first two sets went by smoothly with no humorous occurances; fortunately, however, my next set would be the beginning of the most ridiculously funny things I've ever seen.

I was at about rep #5 when the fatigue began to take its toll. I knew I wasn't going to reach #8, but I kept pushing and pushing anyway. Rep #7 was my "death rep" that would require a tad of spotter help to complete. As the growling and pushing began, I expected my spotter to jump in and give the bar a few soft taps in the upward direction to keep my arms from falling off - he didn't jump in. He didn't jump in because a nearby spectator had jumped in and began "helping me" from the SIDE. It got the job done, but I mean... come on, my spotter was RIGHT THERE waiting to do his job. Batman then gave my friend a brief lesson about the "proper" way to spot, O-K!

Batman: "How much weight is on there?"

Me (while beginning to unload weights): "150"

Batman: "No, leave it on."

Ok, this ought to be good.

Batman got into position, made sure he wasn't stepping on his cape, and lifted the bar.

*boing*
*boing
*boing
*boing* Ah!

Ah? Batman hurt? This can't be! Wait, maybe the "Ah!" was due to the fact that the bar was bouncing off his chest as though it were a trampoline. He quickly re-racked the weight after performing 4 quater-ass'ed reps of a "bench press."

Batman: "Shit! Cramp..."

Me: *Silently walks away trying not to laugh.*

Friend: "What an idiot."

Barbell curls were next, let's do some, shall we? But wait! What's this? It appears that Hercules has decided to pay a visit to our little school gym! What a treat!

The sound of 45lb plates clanking together echoed throughout the room as Hercules and his buddy loaded up the bar on the bench next to mine. 225lbs, yeah, he looks like he can lift that. 315lbs, what the hell? 325lbs, is this guy stupid? 335lbs, someone get a stretcher ready! The final weight count was 340lbs. I felt guilty letting this guy go through with this lift attempt that would OBVIOUSLY fail, but someone stupid enough to put so much weight on the bar clearly lacks the mental capacity to listen to the good advice that I would have given him. If this wasn't bad enough, both Herc and his buddy began grunting and Herc quickly dropped and began doing pushups (with his feet up on the bench, of course!) After a few poorly performed pushups, he took his place on the bench. The tension was building...

Hercules: *Takes deep breath.*
Hercules: *Puts hands in position.*
Hercules: *Takes another deep breath*
Hercules: *Lifts bar*

You guys know how sound comes from a guitar by the vibrations of the strings? You know how the higher the note, the faster the string vibrates? Well, this guy's arms were shaking faster than the "e" string on a guitar after playing the highest possible note.

Gravity: "Haha, I've got you now!"

*THUMP* Down goes the bar!

Hercules: "Argh! Help!"

Hercules' friend barely gets the bar back up, even with ol' Herc's help. Yet another clown taken down by the relentless force that is gravity.

The Loser-Flex Muscle Machine

I made my way over to the area of the gym with the numerous EZ-Curl bars. (Too bad the school wasted money on them with everyone using the machines.) I saw several zillion EZ-Curl bars, but not a single straight bar. I checked the corner... nope, nothing. None of the guys there were using one either. After being denied the right to use one of the flat bench bars for my curls, I figured I might as well use one of the EZ-Curl bars before the class period was over.

You guys know those home gym machines that give you a full body workout in 20 minutes? Don't waste your money! This genius next to me has discovered a way to train your entire body in 5 minutes while doing standing bicep curls with the EZ-Bar. I didn't believe it myself at first, but after watching him get all pumped right in front of my face I thought differently. This guy was getting a lower back, upper back, trap, calf, and bicep workout with one simple exercise! He was "curling!" Please, allow me to explain how HILARIOUS this looked.

Step 1: Move elbows back to get a decent swing going./p>

Step 2: Bend knees slightly and bend slightly forward. (The lower back! What an incredible workout!)

Step 3: Begin swing of bar.

Step 4: Straighten legs and stand on toes. (Look! Those massive calves!)

Step 5: Move shoulders upward and then backward. (Look! Look! Those huge traps and that incredible upper back!)

Step 6: Let bar fall down at its top speed and jerk you down slightly.

Ok, I couldn't let someone do this for 3 sets (if he even does 3 sets) and live with myself after doing so. I had to say something.

Me: "Hey dude, look how I do it. The only thing bending should be your elbows, the rest of your body should be perfectly motionless

Guy: "If I do it like that then I can't lift as much.

Me: "Well if I do it how you're doing it I can curl 150, but that's not going to get me anywhere is it?

Guy: "Whatever."

Ok, lost cause. I was done with my 3 sets and my friend needed to be shown the proper way to squat, so we made our way over to the "squat rack."

Attack of Turnip Man (Cool term, Eric Hesse)

Well, I would hardly call it a squat rack. There was only one height you could have the bar at. What happens if I can't possibly stand up any further and I'm below the ONLY resting place for the bar? You want me to drop it on the floor? Damn, talk about cheap equipment. Oh well, I came here to show my friend how to squat and I was going to do just that.

I put some weight on the bar and began by showing him the stance. I put the bar on my shoulders, took it off the rack, and moved back a few steps. I began showing him the proper rock-bottom (butt-to-calves) execution of a squat. After a few reps I re-racked the weight and was approached by "Turnip Man." Actually, he wasn't much of a turnip, skinny arms, skinnier legs, but a turnip nonetheless.

Turnip Man: "Hey, it's bad for your knees if you go that low."

Being the nice guy I am, I took a moment to explain to Turnip Man how going parallel instead of rock-bottom is actually worse for your knees and less effective for your legs. Naturally, all the vital information went in one ear and out the other without stopping by his brain for a visit.

Turnip Man: "You're only supposed to go parallel though."

Me: "No, that's ok - I like doing them correctly."

Arguing this was obviously pointless. After teaching my friend the proper way to squat, he told me class was going to be over soon. He went over to one of the machines to do a few sets (grrr, gotta get him away from those things) and I made my way over to dumbbell-land (both iron and human) to do a few shrugs. Damn, what a horrible workout I wasted.

Indescribable Humor

The period was concluding, and I had time for a few shrugs - and laughs. I entered dumbbell-land, a land unfortunately containing with more human dumbbells than iron ones. Big Poppa was in the corner showing off to one of the girls by doing dumbbell curls, err... I mean swings, with some gargantuan 40lb weights. I wonder if that girl would have been equally impressed if I had started curling 40lbs correctly and not grunting "Yeah!" on every rep. After having my advice ignored twice today I decided not to bother with Big Poppa since he would probably ignore me just to look bigger and stronger infront of the girls.

I did my first set of shrugs. Everyone was very nice and made sure not to do anything stupid while I wasn't watching; they all realized that I would be very upset if they did something silly while I wasn't watching. As I prepared for my next set, I saw something you don't see every day in a gym. No... wait, you do see ridiculous things going on every day, my mistake. It looks like Big Poppa and his entourage were showing off their massive, chiseled, sexy... FLAT chests. *Sigh* I won't even bother.

I finished my last set of shrugs and was about to leave; however, my leave delayed as I was approached but none other than... Big Poppa himself!

Big Poppa: "Yo dog you doin' that wrong. You're supposed to make circles with your shoulders."

Ok, he walked into that one.

Me: "Nah, thanks. I don't like dislocating my shoulder, I like it fine where it is now. You're supposed to shrug straight up and down."

Fortunately he only gave me a mean look instead of pouncing on me. He should have thanked me, damn jerk.

Conclusion

Something must be done. Sure, it's funny laughing at all these people, but wouldn't it be great if you could walk into a gym one day and see people working out with their HEADS instead of just their body? Wouldn't it be great if you could give someone advice and they'd take it instead of thinking that you're insulting them or something? I remember one day I was at the gym and I was doing EZ-curls completely wrong (swinging like crazy, I was still a newbie at this time) and a guy with biceps the size of my head came up to me and said: "No, bring it up slowly. Don't let it swing at all." I didn't tell this guy to go away or to leave me alone or that he didn't know what he was talking about, I said "thanks" and I haven't swung on a single curl since that day. Too bad the guys at my school gym weren't as appreciative to my good advice as I was to Mr. ArmsTheSizeOfTheAverageHead's advice several months ago.

Oh yeah, one of the weight training coaches was vacuuming while the room was more crowded than a New York City subway after work. What the hell is that?

Mike Moussa
No fans, Rocky does NOT suck!

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